A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, But he was alright because it was a soft drink .
Brunette: Where were you born ?
Blonde: The united States
Brunette: Which Part?
Blonde: My Whole body
Being an astronaut is funny. It's the only job where you get fired before you start work.
An old teacher asked her student,"If I say I am beautiful", which tense is that?"
The student replied, "It is obviously past."
Two blondes fell down a hole.One said, "Its dark in here isn't it ?"
The other replied, "I don't know, I can't see."
My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore.
So I said,"Come on, get in the car. We're going to the gas station."
At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor.
"The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!"
Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!"
The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
So two Irishmen are travelling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind.
Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."
At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."
"Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the "10" button.
While dining at a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive women sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly,she sneezes, and her glass eye flies out of her socket.
It hurtles past the man, who snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says,popping her eye back in place, "I'm so sorry to have disturbed you.Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They have an enjoyable dinner together, enjoying stimulating conversation and plenty of laughs.The man is smitten.
"You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered," he gushed, "are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
"No," she replied "You just happened to catch my eye."
O'Connor is sitting in Ward's Irish bar, in Piccadilly,London with a large Rottweiler at his feet.
Murphy comes in and sits on the bar stool beside him, orders a drink and looks at the Rottweiler.
"Does your dog bite?" he asks.
"No", replies O'Connor.
So Murphy rests his beer on the bar, leans down and pats the dog which almost rips his arm completely off.
"Hey!" screams Murphy, "You said your dog didn't bite, O'Conner."
"Thats not my dog, Murphy " O'Conner says.
One boy sprang to his feet straight away.
Ready to launch into a discussion about how we perceive ourselves, the teacher asked empathetically,”Why do you think your stupid, James?”
“I don’t, Miss. But I hate to see you standing there all by yourself”
He walks up to a house, which has a sign on its letterbox: “Beware of the parrot”
He looks into the front garden and, sure enough, there’s a parrot sitting on its perch.
He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot sitting harmlessly on its perch.and takes a few steps along the driveway to have a better view of the bird
Suddenly, it calls out: “Rex, Attack”
To prepare for the journey, John drained the radiator so he would have some water and Paul took the mats from the car so he could shield himself from the sun.
Tim removed one of the car doors and started to walk off with it.
“Wait a minute”,said John. “Why are you taking the door with you?”
“In case I get hot,” Tim explained.”Then I can roll down the window for some air”
A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars. He naturally got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.
This went on every day for the next month. Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand.
A few years later, he ran into the biker in a restaurant in Tijuana. After some small talk he said, "Come on . I know you were smuggling something all that time. I won't tell. I'm just curious. What was it?"
The other man said, "Bicycles."
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her are markable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent a letter to each son. "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
A couple of tech-savvy hikers were visiting a spectacular national park,stopping every few minutes to take yet another photograph of the breathtaking scenery.
Overcome by the natural beauty around them, one turned to his companion to pay his ultimate compliment: "everywhere I look is a screen-saver!"
A customer walked up to a bank window and asked the cashier to cash a cheque.
“Of course,” the cashier said. “But I’ll need to see your ID.”
She dug though her purse and handed over a snapshot.
“That’s me in the middle,” she said.
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
The teacher asked Donald to give the formula for water.
Nonplussed, the teacher asked Donald to explain his answer.
Looking confused, Donald said, "But yesterday you told us the formula for water was H to O."
On her first flight, an elderly woman kept peering out of the window at the blinking wingtip light.
Finally she called a flight attendant and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is still on."
A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in sunday school class that he would like to talk about.
He told his mother "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can't stop thinking about him. She said he was crossed-eyed and I feel bad for him."
The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday School, so she decided to call her.
To the woman's amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning.
Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother,"I know what Jeffrey's talking about! We learned the hymn "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear ""
Early one summer a new boat owner took his boat down to the local lake.
No matter how hard he tried, no matter which button he pushed, the boat just wouldn't perform the way the salesman had said it would.
It was sluggish through the water and was extremely difficult to manoeuvre in any direction. He was fuming.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, He putted over to a nearby marina- maybe they could tell him what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine; the prop was the correct size
So, one of the marina guys jumped into the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat,still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
The bean soup I’d ordered was mostly water. I decided to tell the waitress.
“This soup is awful,” I said.
“I know,” she said. “I don’t like bean soup either.”
From a passenger of the Vacaville, California, public bus company:
I would like to commend driver Lea Schroeder for the following reasons:
2. If she’s running behind, she tells me, "Sit your butt down", in a courteous way.3. She nearly comes to a complete stop now when I disembark, so I haven’t fallen in almost a week.
4. Although she usually gives me wrong instructions on which bus to take, I enjoy riding all around Vacaville on the different routes.
5. The way she suddenly starts and stops, rides the rear bumper of the car ahead, and pulls several Gs of force when she turns corners unfailingly elevates my heart rate. This has obvious health benefits.
Once again, I would like to commend Lea Schroeder for her outstanding work.
A frog hops into a bank and goes up to a teller whose name tag reads "Patricia Whack"
He hands her a small glass statue of a dancing cow and says that he'd like to borrow $1000,000.
Bemused, the teller picks up the statue, shows it to her manager and asks how to handle this frog.
Her manager tells her, "It's a knick knack, patty Whack. Give the frog a loan".
Two Blondes were driving to Disneyland !
The sign said.."DISNEYLAND LEFT"
....So they started crying and headed home !
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said"Johhny, what is the matter? "
Little Johnny resonded,"I have a pain in my side.I think I'm going to have a wife."
DAD: How do you like fourth grade?.
SON: I don't Dad. It isn't much fun
DAD: Thats too bad. It was the best three years of my life!
A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her kindness.
As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, "I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district.
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their $400 rent.
"How dreadful!" cried the vicar's wife."May I ask who you are?'
The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, "I'm the landlord."
Giving a sermon one Sunday, I heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
I interrupted my sermon and announced sternly,"There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said."
That quieted them down.
When the service was over, I went to greet people at the front door.
Three adults apologised for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
As the storm was raging,the captain realised his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”
One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain I know how to pray.
“Good,” said the captain, “You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets- We're one short “
Billy had been misbehaving and was sent to his room.
After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
“Fine” , said the pleased mother. “If you ask God to help you not to misbehave, He will help you.”
“Oh. I didn't ask Him to help me not to misbehave ,” said Johnny. “I asked Him to help you put up with me.”
Having never married, she requested no male Pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,so I don't want them taking me out when I'm dead."
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand written sign...
"ENERGY EFFICIENT VEHICLE: RUNS ON OATS AND GRASS..CAUTION: DO NOT STEP IN EXHAUST "
Little Faye was drawing intently when her teacher asked,"What are you drawing?"
"It's a picture of God," said the child.
"But know one knows what God looks like,"said the teacher.
"They will when I'm finished," came the reply.
Giving a sermon one Sunday,I heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
I interrupted my sermon and announced sternly,"There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said."
That quieted them down.
When the service was over, I went to greet people at the front door.Three adults apologised for going to sleep in church,promising it would never happen again.
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
"Yes sir" the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"
Little Johhny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer."said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do." his mother insisted.We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife's free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives, asking how was the trip ?
All of them gave the same reply..."what trip"
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy said,"Well it was 1932,The depth of the Great Depression and I was down to my last nickel, so I invested that nickel in an apple." I spent the whole day polishing the apple and, at the end of the next day, I sold the apple for 10 cents.
"The next morning,I invested that 10 cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month,by which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80"
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million dollars."
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: “Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and, a week later, the woman came to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned."She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
The hotel owner replied, saying, "I've been operating hotels for thirty years. I've never had a dog steal bedclothes, towels, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to kick a dog out in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog skip out on a hotel bill.
So, yes, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay, too."
One day, a teacher was talking to her first grade class about whales when a little girl had a question.
Little Girl: "Do whales swallow people?"
Teacher: "No, even though they are much bigger than a person, they have throat pleats that filter their food of krill and plankton.
Little Girl: "But Mrs Thurston says Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
Teacher getting angry: "Blue whales cannot swallow people."
Little Girl: "Well, when I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah if he was really swallowed by a whale."
Teacher, still red with anger: "What if Jonah went to hell?"
Girl: "Well, then you can ask him."
Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads. One said. "My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song and they pay him 50 bucks."
"Oh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem and they pay him 100 bucks."
"That's nothin'," said the third kid. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon and it takes six people to collect all the money!"
A little girl, dresses in her "Sunday best" was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me be late. Dear God, please don't let me be late." Then she fell.
She got up, dusted her self off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late." But this time she added, "But please don't push me, either!"
When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for years!
Pete and Tony were great baseball fans.
They were talking about baseball one day and Pete says, "I wonder if there is baseball in heaven."
Tony replies,"I don't know."
Soon after, Tony dies.One day he calls Pete from Heaven and Pete asks,"Tony,you gotta tell me.Is there baseball in heaven?'
Tony says,"Well, I have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is that there is a baseball in heaven. The bad news is that your pitching tomorrow!"
A dog ran into a butchers shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. The butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his who happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey if your dog stole a roast from my butcher's shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" $7.95, said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a cheque in the mail for $7.95. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mum enjoyed reading the Bible ? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole Bible.It took elders in the church 12 year to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse,and the parrot recites it.
Soon thereafter, mum sent a letter to each son."Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another,"I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude! "
Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son,"You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
A man owned a parrot which was always squawking and making snide remarks.
One day the parrot went too far and the man decided to put him in the freezer. The bird flapped around for a while and then went quiet. Fearing the worst, the man opened the door.
Let me out of here and I promise to be a better pet and never say anything like that again, the shivering parrot said?
By the way, what did that chicken do?
Its the final round of the $64,000 question and only 3 remaining contestants are left, an Englishman, a Texan and an Arkansan.
The question is, finish the following song title and spell the answer. " Old MacDonald had a ____".
The Englishman goes 1st and says "estate" "e-s-t-a-t-e". The announcer says sorry wrong answer, but right spelling, meanwhile the Arkansan is going nuts he is so excited he cannot control himself.
The Texan goes next and answers " Ranch", "r-a-n-c-h". The announcer says sorry wrong answer but right spelling, and the Arkansan is jumping up and down and he is so excited he almost screams.
The announcer turns to the Arkansan and says "for $64,000 what is the answer".
The Arkansan answers "farm" , "e-i-e-i-o"
A while ago a new supermarket opened up.
It has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear the cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more!
"You admit to breaking into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.
"Yes", answered the defendant.
"And... what did you steal?"
"A dress, Your Honour", replied the defendant.
"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times! "
"Yes, Your Honour," the man sighed. "But my wife didn't like the colour of the first three"
I once heard of a pastor who was offering a series of children's sermons on the symbols of the church.
On one Sunday the pastor was speaking about vestments and asked the question, "Why do you think I wear this collar?"
To this question came the response, "because it kills fleas and ticks for up to 5 months?"
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?"he asked."Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?'
There was a silence as the boys digested this,then the oldest one looked at his siblings for a second, then said,"Okay,Dad, you get the toy."
An elderly man, decided to live in a Old Folks Home, so moved in.
When he had settled in, he decided it would be nice to make some friends, so it wasn't long until he had a few male friends and also a few lady friends.
He became particularly friendly with a certain lady, and she also thought he was wonderful.
After a while, the elderly man plucked up the courage to ask the lady if she would marry him.
The next morning the man remembered asking the lady for her hand in marriage, but he couldn't remember what her answer was.
Feeling very embarrassed, next morning he said to the lady "Yesterday,I asked you to marry me, but I'm sorry, I can't remember what your answer was."
She replied, "My answer was yes, but I couldn't remember who asked me "
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began yelling.
"I pray for a new bicycle, I pray for a new Xbox, I pray for a new Blu-ray player!"
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said,"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant
"That's no offence,"said the judge."How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
There is a senior citizen driving on the highway.
His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
Miss Jones had been giving her second grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter "M" and I pick up things. What am I?"
Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "Your mother!"
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No,ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon.
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon, in fact we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never,never,never say we don't have it, say we ordered it and its on its way. Now what was it she wanted?"
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed."What's the bad news?"
"He told me he was your doctor."
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; "Rest in Peace"
The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain.,
The florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake,but rather than get angry you should imagine this; Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying "Congratulations on your new location"
Within two months, though, Mum decided enough was enough; Danny would be given a new owner.
She called the kids together to tell them. One child said,"I'll miss him. he's been here a long time."
The other child remarked, "Maybe he could stay if he ate less and wasn't so messy."
Mum was firm, "It's time to take Danny to a new home."
"Danny?" the kids wailed,"We thought you said "Daddy."
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise".
"Ah! So sorry,"says the waiter,"I bring you Peeking Duck ."
"That's great," smiled his uncle. "Have you learned how to play it yet?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Richard said, My Mum gives me a dollar not to play it during the day and my Dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
He now has an electric bill !!
Andrew was watching his father, a Vicar, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" Andrew asked.
"Why God tells me", the father replied.
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
A young man walked into an ice-cream shop and asked. "What kinds of ice-cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, Chocolate, Strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke,patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"You got laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope",she whispered, "Just vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry."
Elizabeth asked her Sunday School class to sketch a picture of their favourite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Bert's picture, which showed four people sitting in a plane, so she asked him which Bible story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt", said Bert.
"I see...and that must be Mary, Joseph,and baby Jesus," Elizabeth said,"But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the pilot"
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him,leaves the room and comes back with three different bottle of pills.
The Doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch.Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water"
Startled to be on so much medicine, the man stammers,"Exactly what's my problem?"
The doctor says,"You're not drinking enough water!"
"Dad, are bugs good to eat?", asked the boy.
"Let's not talk about such things at the dinner table,son," his father replied.
After dinner the father inquired, "Now,son,what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh,nothing," the boy said "There was a bug in your soup, but its gone,"
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,"Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name ! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it ! Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know ?"
The doctor came out of the bedroom just moments after he'd gone in and asked Mr Tuttle,"Do you have a hammer ?"
A puzzled Mr Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The Doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, Dr Carver came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?" Mr Tuttle complied with the request..
In the next 10 minutes, Dr Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw.
The last request finally got to Mr Carver. He asked. "What are you doing to my wife ?"
"So far, not a thing", replied old Doctor carver. "I still haven't got my instrument bag open"
A new client entered the office of a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?" asked the client.
"Of course, the lawyer replied, " I charge $300 to answer 3 questions"
"That's a bit steep,isn't it ?"
"Yes. it is ", said the lawyer. What's your next question?"
Yesterday I was having some work done on my car at the Ford dealer.
While I was talking to Bert , the mechanic, a women came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.We all looked at each other, and Bert asked , "What is a seven-hundred-ten? "
She replied, " You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and I need a new one. It had always been there "
Bert gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had the bonnet up and asked,"Is there a 710 on this car ?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
She was pointing to the writing "Oil", on the oil filler cap, which was upside down to her !
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked, "What did you steal ?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said "I will give you 6 days in gaol."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it ?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
An old snake goes to see his doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes. Can't see well these days."
The doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to come back in two weeks.
The snake comes back two weeks later and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doc says "What's the problem- didn't the glasses help you ?"
"The glasses are fine, Doc" the snake said, " But I discovered I've been living with a water hose for the past two years !"
Do you know what the Mexican Fire chief named two of his firemen ?
Hosea and Hose B.
An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.
I'm afraid its just old age, replied the doctor, There is nothing we can do about it.
That can't be, turned the old man, you don't know what you are talking about.
How can you be so sure I am wrong? countered the doctor.
Well its quite obvious, the old man replied,my other leg is fine, and it's the exact same age !'
Jack, a very young lad aged 4 years, says to his father, 'Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.'
His father explains, 'For that Jack, you have to have a boy and a girl.'
So Jack answers, 'I've already found a girl.'
'Who?' splutters his Dad.
'Grandma,' continues Jack happily.
'Now, let me get this straight,' his father says. 'You want to marry my mother? ................. You can't do that.'
'I don't see why not?' Jack responds, 'You married mine!'
One day during break-time she noticed a girl standing all by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the children were enjoying a game of football [soccer] at the other end of the field. Patricia approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said that she was. Some time later, however, Patricia noticed that the girl was in exactly the same spot, still by herself.
Going up to her again, 'Trish enquired, 'Would you like me to be your friend?' The girl hesitated, then said, 'All right,' while looking at Patricia with some suspicion.'
Feeling she was making progress, Pat then asked, 'Why are you standing here all alone?' 'Because,' the girl said with a large sigh, 'I'm the goalie!'
I didn't believe it and went to his house to confront him.
He denied it and I wanted to believe that he wasn't a thieving road worker. But all the signs were there.
He lived in a Blow-up house and went to a Blow-up School.
One day he was noticed at school with a knitting needle, so was ushered to the head teachers office.
The head teacher said, I'm really disappointed in you. You have let the school down, your family down and yourself down.
After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.
'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested.
Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
Sarah replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Sarah replied, "They will in a minute"
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes", said the policeman,"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Ronnie asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture"
The lad replied , Six and seven-eighths.
Ron looked puzzled and asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name and the youngster replied, Oh, they just picked it out of a hat.
The other women said,"That's awful. Doesn't it bother you ?"
The first one said, "Why should I complain if he doesn't like his own cooking ?"
Martin replied no, that he had been fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go church.
Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing ?
Martin replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a Quick stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She got quite upset, yelling at me, You silly man, don't you ever read the Bible ? I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, See. It says right here, The three wise men came from afar.
Authorities suspect a cereal killer.
The judge then asked why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said,"I will give you 6 days in jail." before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said,"What is it?"
The husband said,"She also stole a can of peas."
When he got to the end of the story he said, "So everyone was very happy! All except one. Who was it ?"
A little boy put up his hand and said, "The fatted calf."
"If you come to church this evening," the preacher said, "I'll tell you how to get to heaven"
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
Looking at Arnie he says, "take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "L...........L.........L...........Lummee, Doc, exactly what is my problem ?"
The doctor replied, " Arnie, you're not drinking enough water."
The cowboy said," I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd still feed him"
So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two and a half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down and asked the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly," " Well, I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay"
"Well, you see, I'm a boxer," the patient explained.
"When I get to nine, I get up !"
The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.
Terry returns inside to chase it out.
Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the driver, "My husband is just going upstarirs to say goodbye to my mother."
Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!"
'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'
'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'
'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'
'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'
'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'
'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Headteacher!'
"No expensive extras, Doctor, "Marsh demands, No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with ."
" I wish more of my patients were as strong minded and as brave , Mr Marsh, " said the dentist admiringly. " Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr Marsh turns to his wife .
" Show him your tooth, Honey."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "
" Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead, " he replied
" How can you be sure? " she protested. " I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything!. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moment later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
" $150 ! ", she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead !! "
The vet shrugged, " I'm sorry, If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds," his doctor assured him.
When Reginald returned he shocked his doctor by having lost almost twenty pounds.
"Why, that's amazing," the doctor said, greatly impressed, "You certainly must have followed my instructions."
Reginald nodded, "I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day."
"Why, from hunger ? asked his doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."
He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes hiding in a dark corner.
So he says to them, " Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."
" We can't ", said the snakes, " We're adders."
On the way a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Oh ! Toyota- made in Japan ! Very fast ! "
Not too long afterwards, another car flew by the taxi. "Oh ! Nissan- made in Japan ! Very fast ! " Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, " Oh ! Mitsubishi- made in Japan Very fast ! "
The taxi driver, who was 100% Indian, was starting to get a little annoyed that the Japanese made cars were passing his taxi, when yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport. "Oh ! Honda !- Made in Japan ! Very fast ! "
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said "That'll be Rupees 500." "Rupees 500 ? It was a short ride ! Why so much ? "
The taxi driver smiled as he replied, " Meter - made in India. Very fast ! "
When he arrived, Sarah immediately apologised for her absence. "I haven't been feeling too well lately," she said, "I had a root canal last week."
Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to answer it. The minister sat down near a table with an old Readers Digest and a bowl of peanuts on it.
After 10 minutes or so, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless, so he started to eat the peanuts and read the magazine. it wasn't long before he had eaten all the nuts.
Just then Sara returned and said,"I'm sorry, that was my sister. She only calls once a month, so we have to catch up on everything."
The minister, feeling embarrassed, said "I must also apologise. While you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there."
Sarah replied,"That's all right. Since the root canal, the best I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, "I'm getting a brother."
One day his mum allowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didn't say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother.
He replied, "I think Mummy ate him."
He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller.
He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
The little girl replied gently, "My bible. The part where a man called Jonah got swallowed by a big fish and God saved him."
At this, the neighbour snickered and scoffed, "The bible is a made- up book! How could a man survive in the stomach of a fish?
The girl answered, "Well, when I'm in heaven, I'll ask Jonah."
The neighbour laughed more and arrogantly asked, "What if Jonah isn't in heaven?'
The little girl thought long and hard about this question then replied quietly, "Then you can ask him."
Thinking this sounded like a great bargain, Mrs Jones rang up and asked for the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van pulled up to her house and left her with the mangiest looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad and demanded, "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a pure bred police dog?"
"Don't be deceived by his looks, ma'am, he replied, "He works undercover"
A little later, Dad passed the bedroom and overheard his son praying :
"And make me a good boy if you can ; and if you can't, don't worry about it...cause I'm having fun just the way I am."
He asked his mum, "where'd we get him from anyway?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW ! I can see why they threw him out !"
The children began discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep the crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another," he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
The fireman was explaining what to do in case of a fire.
He said, "First go to the door and feel the door to see if its hot" Then he said, "Fall to your knees. Does anyone know why you ought to fall to your knees ?"
A little girl answered "Sure, to start praying for God's help"
"My son was born on St George's Day," remarked the Englishman, "So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence ," observed the Frenchman, My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine."
"That's really incredible," drawled the Irishman, Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
Michael put it in the car and drove 2 miles away and dropped it off. Just as he pulled in his driveway, he noticed the cat sitting in the entrance to the porch.
The next day he decided he would take the cat 5 miles away and drop it off. But again, the cat found its way home. Each day Michael kept going further and further away, but the cat would always find its way home.
Michael was so furious that he decided to take the cat even further away, he turned right, then left, circled around, then right again, another right, backtracked a couple of times, then left again. He then dropped the cat off.
Several hours later, he phoned Patricia, Darling, is the cat there?
Yes, she answered. Why?
Michael replied bitterly, Put that flipping animal on the phone, I'm lost and need directions,
It was the first day of school and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to farmer George's sons, the boy replied, "Wagon Wheel"
The teacher said,"I need your real name boy", to which the lad replied," It's Wagon Wheel, sir...really"
The teacher, rather annoyed rejoined, "all right young man, take yourself right down to the principal's office this minute."
The youngster pushed himself out of his chair, turned to his sister,"C'mon,"Chicken Feed", he ain't gonna believe you,either."
"Well ,thank you,"the preacher relied,"but why?"
"Because my daddy says that you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.'
This is the Scene, said the teacher.
A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked "To draw out all his savings?"
Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.
"Yep, that's him," came the reply.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused."That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me.Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
The irate old lady calling the newspaper office demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a gasp as she was heard to mutter,
"Well I never! That explains why no one was at church today!"
"Do you realise", said one, "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes,I know" replied the second, "my cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee"
"Well, it's not all that bad." piped up the first,"we should be thankful that we can still drive."
After a few weeks of coaching, Bob decided Jenny was ready to say grace all by herself.
Jenny started out fine, thanking God for her mummy and daddy and brother and sister and for the rolls and the salad, etc.
She ended with a big, "Thank you, God, for the spaghetti!" and lifted her head.
The tradition in Bob's house, though, was to end each prayer with, "In Jesus' name Amen."
So Bob prompted Jenny, "In...."
At first Jenny seemed confused, Then she proudly exclaimed
"In tomato sauce.Amen"
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father,"What is this Father?"
The father responded,"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is"
While the boy and and his father were watching, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son,"Go get your Mother"
"All right children,let's take another example she said.
"If I reached into a man's pocket and took his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife".
How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles instead.
How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But they are still in darkness.
How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
How many camp-fire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
How many independent Baptist's does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, any more than that would be considered ecumenical.
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to actually change the bulb and 9 to say how much they like the old one.
"Do you need some help?" the man in the boat asked.
"No. Jesus will save us." came the reply.
A couple of hours later, another boat came to their aid. By this time, the water was halfway up the roof-line.
"You folks need some help?" was the question.
"No. Jesus will save us." again was their reply.
A couple of more hours later and the water was now lapping over the peak of the roof, when a helicopter came over. A man was hoisted down.
"You folks need some help?" he asked.
"No. Jesus will save us." once more was the reply.
A few more hours passed and the couple died. At the pearly gates, they requested to see Jesus.
"What happened lord? We've lived our entire lives for you. We prayed un-ceasingly to you and believed in you. Why did you let us down?"
The Lord replied. "What are you mad at me for? I sent you 2 boats and a helicopter."
In Sunday School, the children were learning about how God created everything, including people. One little boy was especially interested in the part where God created Eve out of Adam's rib.
Later that week, his mother saw him lying on the sofa, looking ill. "What's the matter?" she asked.
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer the question."
Mother: "Oh really? What was the Question?"
Son: "Who threw the blackboard duster at the teacher?"
The man says,"A centipede? Sounds weird, but..okay,I'll try it"
He took the centipede home and said to it "Clean the kitchen"
Thirty minutes later he walked into the kitchen. It was immaculate! all the dishes were washed,dried and put away, the bench-tops cleaned, the appliances sparkling and the floor waxed. He was stunned.
The man thought to himself. This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!
So he asked the centipede to go down the street for a newspaper, the centipede walks out the door.
Thirty minutes later...no sign of him.
Going out to look, the man found the centipede sitting right outside.
He said,"Hey! I sent you down to the corner half an hour ago. What happened?"
The centipede replied, "I'm just putting on my shoes!"
After an hour or so, one got tired of looking and went home with no blood.
The other bat came back with blood all over his face and dripping from its mouth.The first bat said enviously."Where did you get all that from?"
The second bat led him to the back of the cave and said,"Do you see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat eagerly said,"yes!"
The other bat replied,"I didn't"
As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
Sarah replied,"I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Sarah replied,"they will in a minute."
When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic."
"it's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."
"Brother", he said to the first respondent,"What is your need?"
"My hearing",the man answered.
The evangelist stuck his finger in the man's ear and prayed.
"How's your hearing now?" he asked.
"I don't know", the man replied."it's not till next Tuesday"
"who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey answered, "You are,mighty lion!"
Later the lion confronted a hyena and fiercely bellowed. "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified hyena stammered."Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk and slammed him against a tree half a dozen times,leaving the lion feeling as if it had been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla, and casually ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weekly, and hollered after the elephant,"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
When the man returned in two weeks the doctor was shocked to find he had lost 20 pounds.
"That's amazing," said the doctor.
"I know," replied the man, but I thought I was going to die every third day."
"From Hunger?" Queried the doctor.
"No," said the man, "from all that skipping."
Joe "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, I'm fine?, questioned the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded,"Well I'll tell you what happened.I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the......"
"I didn't ask for any details,"the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident,"I'm fine!"?
Farmer Joe said,"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road........"
The lawyer interrupted again and said,"judge,I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,this man told the Highway patrol-man on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway patrol-man came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrol-man came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.How are you feeling?'
One snake turned to the other and asked, "Do you suppose we are poisonous snakes?"
"I don't know", replied the other, "Why?"
"Well,said the first, "I just bit my lip."
He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking and wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favourite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
She replied, "Those are for the funeral."
He was intrigued enough to drive alongside it for a while.
As he sped forward he noticed in amazement that the chook was keeping up with him.
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway. The man followed the chicken to a farmhouse and saw a man in a yard with dozens of six legged chickens.
The driver called out to the farmer. "How did you get all those six legged chickens?"
The farmer replied,"I breed'em special. It's me, my wife and my four sons living here and we all like to eat the drumstick part of a chicken. Since they only have two legs, I started breeding this six legged variety so we could all eat our favourite piece"
"That's amazing!" said the driver."How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know,I ain't caught one yet!"
The wife said to the husband. "In the mirror I see a person with wrinkles, baggy eyes and saggy skin on my arms"
"Well?", she said to her husband, "Aren't you going to say something positive about me to make me feel better?".
"Ok", said the husband, "your eyesight is still good"
"Pastor", Richard said," I heard you say today that our bodies came from dust".
"That's right, Richard", the minister said, "I did".
"And I heard you say that when we die , our bodies go back to dust", Richard continued.
"Yes I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed because there's someone either coming or going!"
When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English", the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay", said the man, "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Its not a worry for me he said. Most nights I just count to four, then its straight off to sleep.
To four! You must be kidding! I said. You mean you count to four, then go to sleep?
Well most of the time, he said, though I must admit,sometimes I count to 4.30!
The victim was just getting up to his feet when the officer ran up to help
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!", the shaken man told the policeman.
"The car hit you from behind " the officer said, "how could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognised her laugh", he replied.
After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of the of the couple that were to be married.
To cover his forgetfulness, He requested,"Will those persons wanting to get married please come to the front?"
Immediately, nine single ladies, six widows and two single men stepped to the front.
When he arrived,Sarah immediately apologised for her absence."I haven't been feeling too well lately", she said, "I had a root canal last week."
Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to answer it.
The minister sat down near a table with an old Reader's Digest and a bowl of peanuts on it.
After 10 minutes or so, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless, so he started to eat the peanuts and read the magazine.It wasn't long before he had eaten all the nuts.
Just then Sarah returned and said,"I'm sorry that was my sister.She only calls once a month, so when she does we have to catch up on everything."
The minister, feeling a little embarrassed, said,"I must also apologise, While you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in you little bowl there."
Sarah replied,"That's all right, Since the root canal, the best I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.And,then,how Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar and that he had them do this four times.
"Now,"said the teacher,"can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy"
"Because white is the colour of purity and happiness,and today is the happiest day of her life"
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,"So why is the groom wearing black?"
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage.
Curious,the pastor asked her, "WHY?"
The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.
She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied," each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them to the neighbours for $1"
One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.
"You know", he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there .When I got shot , you stuck with me .When my health started failing ,you were still by my side .And you know what?"
"What Dear?", Fiona asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck, " he replied
As it happened he got away with it for some time.
One day, he heard that the Little Flock Baptist church had decided to have a large restoration done on one of their biggest buildings. Paddy put in a bid and, because his price was so low,he got the job.
So he set about erecting scaffolding, setting up the planks, buying the paint and, yes,sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.....
Well, old paddy was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder ! The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint away from the church !
It knocked Paddy clean off the scaffold and he landed on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Paddy was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty ! So he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more! "
All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no-one came to the door, even after he knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card and wrote a Bible reading on the back. "Revelation 3:20", and stuck it under the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was written "Genesis 3:10".
Revelation 3:20 reads. "Behold I stand at the door and knock.If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will dine with him, and he with me".
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said,I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked".
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked ,"What's the matter, haven't you seen a little boy before?"
"What did the surgeon say?", asked the nurse
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A teacher had written a note and placed it next to the apples.It Read, "Take only one, God is watching"
At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One little boy wrote his own note to put next to the cookies. "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
He asked it she had any problems.
"Yes", she said, " My joints creak and often make a clicking sound. Should I be worried?"
"No", he replied, "And never mind, my Dear, at your age you'll soon be deaf and won't hear it"
One day a boy asked him how these things had happened.
"Well, said the pirate, a whale bit off my leg, a crocodile chewed off my hand and a bird dropping hit me in the eye."
"I understand about the leg", said the boy, "as you lost your original leg to the whale; and the hook is to replace the hand the crocodile took, But I don't understand why you need an eye patch just because of a bird dropping."
The pirate turned away, embarrassed. "That was the first day I had my hook"
"Here", he said to the referee , "I think this is yours"
"What makes you think it's my phone?", asked the referee.
"Easy", the groundsman said, "it says you have 200 missed calls."
Sorting mail, a Post Office worker found a postcard from an old woman, that broke his heart.
It read..... Dear God, I have never had a holiday. I am 86 and would love to go away before I die. All I need is $500. Please help
The worker decided to organise a collection amongst his colleagues. $450 was raised and sent to the woman.
Three weeks later he found another postcard from the woman.
It Read... Dear God, I had a holiday of a lifetime. Thank you so much for the money. It was $50 short mind you. I expect it was those light fingered people at the Post office.
At their wits' end, the boys parents asked a nearby priest who worked with delinquent boys to help. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent her son to see the priest.
The priest sat at a huge, impressive desk, with the boy opposite. The priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk, put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and and told him. "We're in really big trouble !
"God is missing and they think we did it"